Moms Talk: Guilt-Free Time

Q: I feel guilty when I’m working, because I’m not spending time with my child, and I feel guilty when I’m not working. How do you deal with all the guilt?

A: Working moms’ guilt is a special variety. Being a better mom is the wish of every working mom I know.

Nobody’s perfect, not even Madonna. Seriously. You’re making mistakes, maybe at an alarming rate. But you’re keeping your brood alive, right? Sure, you want to do more, but when you can relax a little and let yourself off the hook for your imperfections and idiosyncrasies, you might start enjoying your crazy busy life a little better.

Set aside time and hold yourself accountable. Make time for guilt-free family interactions—for me, setting specific hours makes this easier, but I’m a chronic planner. Make time for guilt-free work too. When you find guilty feelings seeping into the layers of your myelin, remind yourself that this is guilt-free time and redirect that guilt to a reserved time of day—like the drive home.

This week, my son, Kai, had an immigration paper due. I printed it up in the morning at the last minute on my way out the door. When I got in the car and handed him the report, his face went long. The rain had smeared the fresh ink. Running late to get him to school and a friend to a post-surgical checkup, I said it would have to do, and we headed off in a huff.

It’s hard when things don’t turn out the way we want them to. When we’re falling short of our own expectations, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And our kids are picking that up. They're putting pressure on themselves in return.

Whenever something like a rain-smeared homework project has us grouching at each other, I know it’s time to reconnect. It’s time to talk about our resistance to imperfection, laugh a little and lighten up. That’s a good thing to teach your kids, too.

Guilt is bound to rear its festering head for parents trying to juggle work and raising kids. When it does, acknowledge it. Have a conversation. And move along.