Moms Talk: How to Be a Friend

Q: My daughter had a fight with her best friend at school, and it's heartbreaking to watch her sulk. What can I do?

A: When Kai was very young we got the book How to be a Friend. Being a parent provides daily, sometimes hourly opportunities for learning and relearning. Even adults forget the fundamentals. Being a good friend is something we can all improve upon.

Being a friend should not require setting yourself aside. Friendship should be well balanced with reciprocation, so it’s a worthwhile investment of energy and time.

But, even good friends have bad days. Some days Kai comes home and says that his best friend doesn’t like him anymore. Feelings are a complex continuum and the theater that is the mind is even wackier. Good intentions sometimes lead to hurt feelings.

Once we’ve known someone for a while, it’s easier to avoid misunderstandings and other clashes, but even friends of many years have moments of conflict. It’s how we deal with the clash that will make us stronger friends in the long run, or leave us lonely.

So, get back to the basics, and nurture your friendships with these kid, and adult, friendly friendship boosters:

• Listen. Listening is something we can all do better. It’s easy to get distracted and move onto the next thought too quickly in conversations. Slowing down and making sure you let your friends know you value what they have to say is a great way to connect better.
• Reach out. You don’t have to wait for invitations or calls from others; do some reaching out of your own if you want to keep a relationship strong.
• Share. You don’t have to spend a dime to be a generous friend, although most of us love gifts. Share your time—help a friend resolve a problem or do a project.
• Speak well of them. Even if your friend isn’t around, if you speak well about them behind their back, it will likely get back to them. And if you talk badly about them, the same is true.
• Be supportive. We all go through difficult patches in life. If you have a friend who’s struggling, do what you can to lighten the mood and let them know you care.
• Keep your word.

I enjoy my friendships because I get to be myself. That’s a gift you can give back. Friendship is win-win.