5 Tips for Holiday Happiness

As a Stress Management Consultant, I am frequently asked this time of year," What tips do you have for managing holiday celebrations, especially with family members that are experts at pushing buttons?" In addition, clients report wanting not only to survive the holidays, but to actually enjoy them. Is it possible to have a memorable celebration, in a good way, not in a turkey thrown across the table way? The answer is yes, but it requires learning some new skills. The following are 5 tips for promoting holiday happiness: 

1.  Have realistic expectations. Many of us would love to have holiday celebrations filled with glowing lights, clinking glasses, and appreciative family members. However, most of us do not have television families. If we show up for the holidays expecting the symphony and all we end up with is a harmonica solo, we are going to be pretty disappointed, to say the least. Seriously, it is important that we hope for the best but be grateful for whatever blessings come our way, no matter how small.

2.  Pay attention to our basic needs. Remember the HALT acronym. Never get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. When we take care of our basic needs, we will have more energy to devote to compassionate communication. It is challenging to have patience with button pushers when we are worn. In addition, we may end up being a button pusher for someone else without even realizing it. An empty belly has been known to promote bear like behavior in even the kindest people. 

3.  Be open to compromise. Many of us have the tendency to want to be in control of everything. We like our food prepared in our traditional family ways, we want the decorations to be hung just so, and we desire to bring old customs into new families. This can create challenging situations when everyone is trying to get their needs met at once. We need to make a monumental effort to find a workable compromise for everyone involved. If we decide ahead of time what our priorities are, it will be easier for us to let go of some smaller issues. For example, if your favorite Thanksgiving dish is stuffing and this year you will be a guest rather than the chef, you may ask if you can bring your own stuffing to accompany the other side dishes. That way you can still enjoy your own special stuffing without grabbing an apron and trying to "fix" the family recipe that was brought over on the Mayflower.

4.  Ask for what you need. Once we decide what our priorities are, we need to communicate them to others. This is the part that can get a bit dicey, because there may be a lot of emotion involved. When attempting to bring the past into the present, we may revert back to old behaviors. We may find ourselves trying to ask for what we need in the most childlike ways. So how do we express ourselves in ways that will be beneficial for everyone? We need to remember to communicate our needs respectfully. The sandwich is a very helpful communication tool. First validate others’ needs, second use an “I” statement to say what you need, and third follow up with appreciation. For example, “ I am looking forward to tasting your famous Mayflower stuffing this year. I would like to also bring my mother’s holiday stuffing if it is ok with you.” The chef responds with, “Of course, you can never have too much stuffing.” You respond with, “I really appreciate being invited to your house this year. This is such a treat for me.” Now all is well.

5.  Use firm boundaries with compassion.  Sometimes no matter how hard we try to avoid him or her, the notorious family button pusher corners us. How do we manage this interaction without diving under the buffet table in an effort to escape? First of all, take a deep breath. This buys us a bit of time to gain our equilibrium. Then allow this person enough time to get out one or two sentences. Period. There are no negotiations here. Otherwise, we may get sucked into their negativity and it may take hours to stabilize ourselves. Now express a quick validation in a respectful way, then present a plausible excuse for exiting, and retreat. For example, they might ask, “When are you ever going to get married? You know you aren’t getting any younger or thinner.” Your response might be, “It is nice to know how much you care about me after all these years (and on some level they probably do.) Thank you. Will you excuse me? I need to go cut great grandma’s food.” Well, you get the idea.

Yes, the holidays are here and they provide us with the opportunity for much joy and camaraderie. It is truly a blessing to spend time with special people in our lives. If we make a choice to communicate with others in a respectful way, our interactions will be much easier. Let us have fun this holiday season as we remember to be kind to ourselves and grateful to others. Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Laura Goldberg has a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology. She has worked with under-served youth and their families as a Child and Family Therapist in the Foster Care System and a Positive Parenting Educator for Burmese refugees. Laura is currently a Stress Management Family Consultant practicing in Santa Cruz, CA. Utilizing a strength-based approach, she assists clients to increase their effective communication, crisis management, and coping skills. For questions or comments Laura can be reached at lauragoldbergma@gmail.com.